Wednesday night, Kenny and I attended Stephanie Quayle‘s book tour and concert in support of her new memoir, “Why Do We Stay?” It was an intimate event at Summerfield Farms, featuring light snacks, drinks, Quayle doing an acoustic set, a question and answer session with both authors and a book signing. “Why Do We Stay?” is listed as a “self-help” book but I honestly feel it’s more of a memoir as she is sharing so much of herself and her life experience. I also think it’s less of a self-help book because she and co-writer, narcissism expert, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, are offering valuable expertise in the form of years of experience and research to help you deal with the narcissist in your life. So, you absolutely don’t have to “do it yourself,” so to speak.
Why Do We Stay?
In “Why Do We Stay?” Quayle shares her experiences with two narcissistic ex-boyfriends, while Dr. W. Keith Campbell explains the psychology behind the behaviors. She also shares, perhaps most importantly, how she got out of these relationships and how she dealt with the trauma afterwards. You need to buy the book to learn about these experiences as I won’t be the one to spoil them for you. Having just finished the book myself this weekend, I can tell you it’s worth the read. Instead, I will share a little about one of mine. On my other blog, I shared my experience with a narcissist and, as someone with a degree in Psychology, I am here to tell you narcissists are masters at pulling the wool over your eyes. This guy [my ex] could manipulate any experience to make himself look like the victim, no matter what he had done. He was far worse than even what I wrote about in that post, and I got to witness and feel the wrath of his violent, psychopathic side on more than one occasion. It took me a few months to realize what was even going on, it all seemed so unbelievable, even with that fancy degree. But I finally did, and I haven’t spoken to this person in years. When I finally saw that elusive light, I blocked him on everything and went on with my day.
It horrifies me now to share, but what finally did make me see the metaphorical light was my dog dying on my birthday. I came home after going out for my birthday to find my dog had died while I was away. He was all by himself – well he was with my other dog, Daisy – so that gives me at least some comfort. I was so heartbroken and I am still getting teary eyed right now writing about it. At the time, I called my then boyfriend and he was actually really sweet about it. He said he was sorry and that he would come by the next day and take me out, wherever I wanted to go. The next day came and he didn’t feel “people-y” and didn’t want to go anywhere. Instead he wanted me to cater to him, pretty much the norm in our relationship. When I reminded him of what he said last night he told me I was “being selfish.” He had done nothing and said nothing about my birthday. And it was blindingly apparent that he couldn’t care less that my sweet doggy died. All of a sudden, it was like magic. A lightbulb went off in my head and I realized, finally, what a trash person this guy actually was. All his manipulations and selfishness became clear as day, when they had been so hazy and so easily excused before. In that instant I was done. And I told him so and why. He cried and said I had “planned it out” and got him to “drive all the way” there to “dump him.” He also told me that he hoped I was happy in a really sarcastic tone. It was about an hour drive. Calm down. Even in the end, everything was all about him. And, yes. To answer his remark, I am much happier now.
Ironically, he has tried to contact me many times over the years since our breakup, even as recently as about a year ago. Like I said, I blocked him on everything, but I am a public-ish person, so he seems to find a new way to contact me every once in a while. I just block him again, absolutely do not contact him back, and move on. When you are IN the relationship, it’s hard to see the full picture. You really are just too close to it. My years and distance away from this person has brought a clarity that I just couldn’t attain while with him. Now, he could come crawling, begging for forgiveness and it wouldn’t make a difference. I will never speak to this person again no matter what he says. You can have this, too. Let mine and Quayle’s stories be a warning to you, if you have never experienced this type of romantic “partnership” – I use that term loosely. If your gut, your family or your friends tell you to stay away, then by all means stay away. And if you are IN this type of relationship now, get out. You don’t need to have a long talk with your soon-to-be-ex. If you are with a true narcissist, they will just try to gaslight you and manipulate you into staying. And you will most likely stay. Leave. Now. Like the authors say in the book so eloquently, all you need to do is get a U-Haul and leave a note.
Order “Why Do We Stay?” and get social with Stephanie Quayle. Also, check out the rest of our pictures from the “Why Do We Stay?” book tour stop in Summerfield, NC. And here is where you can get help if you are a victim of domestic violence.
